Living Out My Own Staytember in Real Time

This week, I broke down in my car on a dirt road in the mountains.

I cried harder than I have in years. Sitting there, looking at myself in the pull-down mirror, I realized the last time I cried like that was around a decade ago, the night I hit the bedroom floor before the shower that saved me.

And here I was again. Except this time, I stayed. I knew how to stay.

The Truth About Space

I feel guilty for needing space. Guilty for wanting time when no one needs me for anything. But when I’m all by myself, I can breathe. No emails, no people, no demands. Just me and silence. And I like that space.

It confuses me, because I also love being there for people. I love being needed. But when I don’t carve out time alone, I collapse. My body forces it. My tears remind me that this space cannot be optional.

Wanting to Run Away

I caught myself thinking, I want to run away. But I don’t want to run from those important to me. What I really want to run away from is my own mind.

And honestly, sitting on that dirt road with pine trees surrounding me, I realized I already had. Even in a small way, the mountains gave me that escape. They gave me proof I can create a safe place to run to, without abandoning my life in the process.

My Girls

My daughter posted about my suicide attempt today. She had asked my permission first, and of course I said yes. But reading her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

These poor girls. What I did to them. The pain I caused in their little hearts.

I felt so deeply sorry. So fucking sorry. Empathy for them crashed into me, alongside the reminder that their dad left us all at the same time. He picked me up from that mental hospital, after spending about a month in there and left us. Double trauma. They didn’t deserve any of it.

But here’s what I needed to remember: yes, I caused them pain. But my survival also impacts them. Staying gave me the chance to repair, to love, to grow close again. And today, we are close. Rachel’s honesty is part of our healing.

My Mom

And then grief for my mom rose up. Thirty-three years without her. Three decades of needing her and not having her. Sometimes I just want to scream: how the fuck have I done this without you?

And then the gut punch: I almost left my girls at an even younger age. But I choose to keep staying. They will never have to cry the way I cry for my mom.

Staytember in Real Time

I created Staytember to help people stay, one day, one moment, one breath at a time. But the truth is, I’m not just creating it for others. I’m living it out loud too.

Staytember is just the raw unfiltered truth. It’s crying in your car. It’s driving to the mountains. It’s saying “I need space” even when you feel guilty. It’s apologizing to your kids in your heart, out loud, and then loving them harder today.

It’s staying. In real time.

🖤 

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