When God Felt Like a Landmine: How Fear Became My Religion
I wasn’t raised to have a relationship with God — I was raised to fear Him above all else. Fear of failing. Fear of sinning. Fear of doubting. Fear of hell. Fear of being “wrong.” Fear of existing outside the lines someone else drew for me. I used to think all that fear was God. Every panic attack I had — I thought it was conviction. Every intrusive thought — I thought it was spiritual warfare. Every sense of dread — I thought it was God keeping score. But the older I got, the clearer it became: It wasn’t God punishing me. It was trauma wearing a Bible verse as a disguise. I was taught to pray harder instead of feel my feelings. Taught to “take every thought captive” instead of question anything. Taught that suffering meant I was holy, but joy meant I was distracted. Taught to trust pastors more than my own intuition. Taught to fear the God who supposedly loved me. And when you’re raised like that, fear becomes the air you breathe. You don’t even know you’re dro...