When Religion Becomes the Weapon

 

Religion starts a lot of wars.

But the most violent war I ever faced wasn’t on the news.
It wasn't worldwide.
It wasn’t fought with weapons.

It was the war in my own mind.

A war between who I was taught I should be and who I actually was.
A battle between fear and freedom.
Between guilt and truth.
Between silence and my voice.

I was raised in a system that said I could be anything—
As long as it was quiet.
As long as it didn't ruffle any feathers.
As long as it didn’t make people uncomfortable.

Sure, I could serve—organize events, lead groups, keep everything on track.
But speak my truth?
Tell my story?
Own my identity?

That was a step too far.

Women like me were expected to stay in line.
To stay small.
To stay silent.

But silence was killing me.

And I don’t mean that poetically—I mean literally.

I spiraled in shame.
I stopped sleeping.
I begged God to make it all stop.
And when it didn’t, I tried to stop it myself.

That was the war.
And I barely survived it.

But here’s what I know now:
You can’t bomb yourself into worthiness.
You can’t pray away your truth.
You can’t build peace by abandoning yourself.

You don’t win a war by dying on the inside.

You win by choosing to live—one broken, bloody, breathless step at a time.

And now?
I’m no longer at war.
I’m writing my own rules.
And I’m using every ounce of strength I have to build The Suicide Solution for anyone still fighting their own inner war.

If that’s you—you’re not alone.
And you don’t have to keep fighting this silently.