Your Inner North Star: A Journey of Trust Series

 

I'm so grateful to have you here, and I'm honored that you have taken the time to read this. Whoever might be reading this, I'm so glad that you found me. This is a series on Trust. You can also check out the Podcast on Spotify or iTunes. I think that we start out life needing other people to tell us what to do. Not only do we need them to, but they just do, whether we want them to or not. 

We get going through life, and we find that our teachers tell us what to do and our parents tell us what to do and when do we get the opportunity to learn to trust ourselves? You might have grown up praying to God and asking for his guidance on what to do and praying with other people and getting on a prayer list or prayer chains and asking teachers and counselors, and therapists what to do. You go to elders, leaders, counselors, pastors, and everybody outside yourself. And we lose sight of or maybe never even know that we have this amazing inner North Star, this fantastic inner guidance system that we can use and tap into.

You know, every single person has limiting beliefs. One of the most common is,

I'm not good enough

I think I did struggle with that early on in life. But this year, I discovered that two of the most common limiting beliefs I found myself saying repeatedly to myself were, "I don't know" and "I can't do this." You know how it is when something's going on in your life or you're trying to make a decision or everything's really screwed up and people are like, "What are you going to do?" You're like, I don't know. I don't know. I often think people are smarter than me or more educated than me or whatever it may be. And I feel like I can't do that. And that's kind of how I started out my year. I was a life coach for many years, and I have a life coach. Something I explored with her was that I realized I had a pattern. Every time I talked to my coach, I heard myself say well, "I don't know," or "I can't do this," "I don't know how I will ever know," or "I can't know how to do this." "I'm not capable of doing this." Just limiting myself over and over. When one day, it just dawned on me that I DO know what to do, and I CAN do this. 

During COVID, I did so many puzzles. You get this puzzle, and then, I'd share puzzles with friends and back and forth, and we get more difficult puzzles. And when you first get one, especially a challenging one, you know, you get the box, and you look at it, and you're like, this is going to be a challenge! This looks hard! And so it's not like you don't know how to assemble that thing. My way of doing puzzles is to get them all out on the table and turn them all right side up, and then I work on getting all the pieces to get all the ends together. And then I put the border together, and then I'll have, you know, maybe all the sorted by colors or depending on what the puzzle is, what the picture is and just piece by piece by piece, the puzzle will come together. And that's exactly how it is in our lives. If you would just stand up and take your right foot and put it in front of the other and then the left foot in front of the other. You just keep taking one right step after one right step till you get there. And you know what? If you fail, at least you tried. 

So this year, I moved from Texas to Arizona. My youngest daughter, who is 26, has wanted to move to Arizona for the last three years. She's also in Texas. And so my girlfriend of almost 10 years, you know, kind of started talking about it. We would just have these conversations about moving to Arizona, you know, kind of dreaming and talking about it and having conversations about it. Well, one day, and I don't think my youngest daughter even knows this, but one day she says to me, "Do you really want to move to Arizona?" I said, "Yes, I absolutely do." And she says, "Well, I'm just afraid that I'm going to get my hopes up and, like, it's all dependent on me. I'm going get my hopes up and, you know, get really excited about this. And it's just going to be a thought in your mind. 

Well, I really took that to heart, and I thought to myself, I really do want to move to Arizona. I am 55 years old. My mom died at 53 years old with a shit ton of dreams in her heart that were buried with her because of fears, because of finances, because of lack of friends and lack of family support, and a million other things. Who knows what excuses she had or what valid points or reasons she had. Either way, she died without ever having experienced them. And I thought, man, I'm not married, and my kids are grown. I don't really see a reason why I can't do this. I work remotely. I doubt my boss would really care where I live. So when she said that to me, I just thought, if I sit around and wait on everybody else, I mean, here she is, you know, challenging me like, well, am I going to get my hopes up to go and then you're going to just still be here in Texas for the rest of your life? And I thought if I don't pick my shit up and go, this truly might not ever happen. How many dreams do I want to die within my heart and in my soul, buried deep in the pit of who I am? What could be out there for me that's NOT in Texas, beyond my fears, beyond myself? And when I decided, you know what? There's really no reason. I can't think of any reasons why I cannot pick up and go without delay. Other than that, the only reason would be that I will miss these people dearly. All of this happened right before my girlfriend and I went on a vacation to Savannah, Georgia.

We get up early to go to the airport and I wake up with a migraine. I only get these maybe a couple of times a year that's a doozy. So I took a couple of Aleeve just to head it off and ensure I didn't have migraines that would go into the whole day. I started feeling a little better on the way to the airport. And I was like, gosh, I'm so glad I took that Aleeve because I was really afraid it would be one of those headaches.

Of all times, you know, we've been looking so forward to going on this vacation. We were going to the airport, and when we were just a couple of minutes away from the airport, I thought, Ooh, I'm not feeling very good. Well, when I do have those migraines, I'm usually typically going to be throwing up. The pain is SO bad. I opened the car door, and when I stepped outside of my car door, I realized this was one of those headaches. It's just horrendous.

I grabbed my suitcase, and we were going inside the airport. I was supposed to print off the little tag to go on my luggage, but my head hurt so bad that I couldn't think straight. I mean, I literally could not comprehend what I was supposed to do. So a worker came over, and she told me to just tear off the sticker, put it on my luggage, and line up the sticker exactly.

I just kept hearing the word exactly over and over and over in my head, but I couldn't do it. And I was like, ma'am, I'm so sorry. I have a horrendous migraine, and I can't comprehend what you're telling me to do. And if my girlfriend wasn't there with me then, I'm sure I would have left my luggage or my phone or something because I just wasn't with the program. The headache just kept getting worse. And, of course, it's so hot in there, and we're in line. I'm literally just sweating so much.

I was feeling so bad, just trying not to throw up. And the security line was forever long. I hadn't eaten anything. It was just awful. I have always had a Diet Coke addiction. And so my girlfriend thinks, well, maybe I needed a Diet Coke. I just couldn't find out why this was happening now. So when we first got inside the airport, I saw this thing when we were trying to check in that said that the flight was full and they were offering like, I don't know, an ungodly amount of money per person to move your flight to later on in the day. And so the thought did briefly cross my mind. I could just stay at the airport and tough this out and get on a later flight and maybe be okay. But I decided, no, I'm just gonna push through this. So we went, sat down, and waited for our flight, and she got me a Sprite and some crackers, and I'm just trying so hard to make it.

We got on the plane, and I was sitting there. We take off, and I'm in the middle between my girlfriend and this guy, and the guy falls asleep. And my girlfriend's just, you know, taking this fan and fanning me because I was so hot and sick. She was like, is that helping? And I'm like, no, you know, but thank you. Because she really was trying, and I'm sure she's thinking about this whole day turned out so differently than we had planned.

I'm sitting there, and I take my little tray, pull it down, put my arms up on the tray, and hold my head in my hands. I just thought, my God, WHY is this happening right now? There's gotta be a lesson in this. There's gotta be something the Universe is trying to teach me now. What is it?

I'm sitting there, and I reach behind my neck. I'm rubbing my neck and rubbing my temples. And I realized, you know, I could have taken the easy road or the later flight. Nobody would have been upset because I was so bad off. It would have been fine. Or I could have just sucked it up, got on the damn plane, worked through it and got there.

And then I thought about my girlfriend trying to fan me and help me. And I thought, you know, right now, at this moment, what I'm learning is that no one outside of who I am, outside of my body, knew at this moment what was right for ME, even moving to Arizona. Because by now, this date of September 1st was kind of ruminating in my mind.

The date kept getting stronger and stronger within who I am and my knower. My intuition was, "You're going to be in Arizona on September 1st." This was the first week of June 2024, when we went on vacation, and all this really started happening.

I just realized, you know, that no one outside of you has any idea what your headache feels like. They don't know that if you press on your temple just the right way, it offers you some relief. If you press on the back of your neck on the occipital bone and just rub it a little bit, it helps you not throw up. You know, if you do this and you do that, it's helping you right now. And that's what I thought. I thought, man, I have this internal knowing that I'm good at go to Arizona. I'm leaving before everybody else. We all have this want and desire, but I will do this. And so I just thought, you know, nobody, nobody has this within themselves. I'm the one feeling it. I'm the one that's knowing this is what I should do. So by the time we got back, I knew, I mean, our vacation wasn't even officially over yet. But we're back home. We were at Target. And I knew I had to tell my girlfriend, I'm leaving, and I'm going to Arizona, and I'm going to be there September 1st. And so she took it harder internally than I realized. But at the time, she said, "Say la vie," and she kind of Giggled, too. So I really didn't think much about it. And

You know, I'm one to do what I feel called to do for my life. It may take me a minute, but once I make that decision, I will do that. And so I think that she knew that, and I knew that. And then I had to tell my kids, this was like, you know, the second week in June now. I'm saying I'm leaving the last week of August because I wanted to be in Sedona, Arizona, on September 1st. 

I think it was hard. It was hard for everybody and at first, but then they kind of started coming around, you know, and, I knew, I knew deep down that whoever followed me was supposed to follow me and that I was supposed to be the trailblazer. I was going to be a pioneer in this, and I was going to change other people's lives. At the time, I thought it was just their lives, but it's become this. Had I not come to Arizona and been here alone and all by myself, finding myself, healing these last broken pieces of myself, these remnants of dark places that still resided within me that I needed to heal. The Suicide Solution may not have ever come to be. I may not have ever healed fully, but I'm confident I can help you in your journey of discovering that you can trust yourself and that you have the answers within yourself, within your own being. I don't care how bad it is. I don't care what you are going through right now. You DO know the answer. I fully believe that we have the answers within ourselves for every single problem we face in this life.

I know it's hard. I know it's going to be taking baby steps. My whole goal for this podcast is to teach you baby steps after baby steps after baby steps, how to save yourself. I can show you all day long what I did for myself and how I saved myself every day for the last almost 12 years after my own suicide attempt. And my ideas might work great for you. That would be great. That'd be awesome! 

What I see happening is that you and your internal guidance system, your supreme intelligence, will create ideas that help you live, that help you want to live, and that help you desire to live life. Guys, I am so happy. I literally wake up happy. I'm like this all the time.

And I used to be SO extremely depressed. my gosh. I mean, my every waking thought was about suicide. I longed for death. And I never, never, ever, ever have a single thought about dying anymore, about taking my own life, about fantasizing about it, about just negative thinking, just limiting thinking talking down on myself, degrading who I am, and all the things that we do. There's so much to tell you about. This will be so exciting because I just can't wait for you to feel this way. I hope that you can sense that, man, there's something in her that's different. You better believe it because you know what I've been where you are I know what it's like to be down and out and feel like there's nothing else for you here. I get those feelings. You gotta open up. You can take that part of your mind and set it aside, even if it's just for two or three seconds. That may be how you start out. But then it's a couple minutes, then it's five minutes, then it's 10 minutes, then it's a whole day, then it's your life. It's just so amazing. I just can't wait for you to experience this!!!! To show you all these things. And you know, right now, you're not gonna be able to just stop thinking about suicide. Don't even expect you to. You shouldn't even expect yourself to. I understand. But you know, during the day, if you catch yourself thinking suicidal thoughts, one time, let's say today, you listen to this podcast, and then you say to yourself, wow. How long have I been thinking about this? Then you become the observer of your suicidal mind. The person that caught yourself thinking about it is who you really are. That person that's thinking that way is not who you are. And that's what we're trying to discover here. And you'll discover it more and more and more. And the more you do, you'll realize it's not you. But that you within that I'm talking about that you can trust.

That's who you are, and that's 

who will save you.

That will be who comes in like a knight in

shining armor for you. It's going to be YOU who rises up. And I want you to know that you can do this. I am so honored for anybody who listens to me because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I've said so many times that I can help you. We can do this together. Let's team up and co-create together!!!!

This can truly be the rest of your life. And you can experience things you never, ever thought possible, trusting your inner North Star. And I'm gonna help you find more and more of it. It's a journey of trust that we can take together. And I hope you'll join me because I'm gonna make this a series of different ways that I can prove to you that you too can trust yourself.